I have my 31 week check up with the doctors tomorrow, quite looking forward to it actually as I'm meeting a female practitioner for the first time, I don't think I've ever seen a female doctor, I've never really been bothered by doctors being male, in fact I quite like Mr Dr Dean so tomorrows check will make a change from the norm.
And theres going to be one rather prominent question to ask.....
After cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen and putting a load of washing out I started to prepare myself for the next day, normally just a case of setting out clothes to wear but tonight I had to pack my medical notes for the docs tomorrow.
Well, I thought I'd have a little sit down and read the observations, one of interest to me is that at 10 weeks I was 58kg and the last recorded weight at 25 weeks is 69kg. Also a few notes about various tests to be sent to the lab and the feed back but amongst the paperwork theres also a maternity ultrasound report attached.
So I'm taking a look and its interesting to read what they can evaluate from the ultrasound, They have my EDD by ultrasound (Estimated Due Date) as 20th September which is what we take as Baby Day but theres also EDD by Dates which is 13th Sept thats the date calculated by last period - That will be a very exciting week!!
And there's a checklist for fetal autonomy from head to toe quite literally all observed as normal, brain, face, spine, four chamber view and great vessels, abdominal wall, kidneys and bladder genitalia appears male (up to 98% accuracy)
Did you get the glitch there?!! This paper work says MALE when the sonographer clearly announced to me during my 20 week scan in April that I am having a girl!! We discussed it, a girl, a baby girl, pretty in pink I said and she said yes!
I have not doubt in my mind of knowing that I am prepared to have a little Freya but why the blinking nora do my notes say differently?
So thats going to be the big question on my lips tomorrow and I am going to ask for another scan since I cant believe that one little word in her report so contradicts our whole conversation and experience during my 20 week scan!
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Pretty Pink Preparations!
I've never really needed an excuse to go shopping before but my goodness, when you start shopping for little baby clothes the urge for retail therapy grows even stronger!
Before knowing that we are expecting a little girl I found it quite difficult to know what I should be shopping for, not that I disliked any of the neutral clothing but baby stuff in general just wasn't grasping my attention, if anything it added confusion because I would have the gender battle in my head whist looking at the items only to walk away empty handed and bursting with curiosity!
I guess for me it felt like trying to buy a gift for a person I'd never met before. I quite admire the people who like to wait for the surprise but for us it was just as delightful having the surprise part way through the pregnancy! If you haven't already read about when we found out our baby is a girl then maybe you'd like to read 'another peek into mummys tummy' in my archive.
So I skipped out of the hospital and on my way back to work I made a pit stop at Mothercare! Knowing we are having a girl makes me feel that bit closer to getting to know our new addition, I thought what better than buying a pair of pretty pink shoes to mark the moment - all girls love shoes and they symbolise her stepping into our lives, her shoes have been placed with mine and Grahams at the front door, just ready and waiting for her to join us.
On the last May bank holiday monday I was supposed to be working as it was the last day of the financial year - crunch time for ensuring targets had been met but I spoke to my manager on the Sunday and she said that everything seemed under control therefore I may as well have the Monday off. Well, that's fab, everyone likes an unexpected day off but I hadn't really planned to do anything - what better use of time than turning the music room into Freya's nursery!
Once we had relocated Grahams beloved computer and music equipment to the downstairs spare room we had a completely blank canvass to work with, a perfect sized room with a view over looking the park. Off to B&Q we went, as I stood by the colour swatches deliberating over whether to have two contrasting walls or a feature wall Graham came back with a trolley full of paint brushes, masking tape, floor coverings oh and paint! So Dulux Pretty Pink it is then! After quite a few hours of hard work (well, its not easy running up and down two flights of stairs to get water and snacks frequently) the nursery walls were painted and the furniture assembled - I love my Graham so much for all of his hard work and effort that day!
And since then the preparations have continued, all the finishing touches and practical purchases are being ticked off the list as the weeks go by.
One day was made particularly special when my wonderful friends threw us a baby shower - Sunday 20th June. Organised by Karen and Ellie it was the perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon, Ellie made up a lovely spread of nibbles and the event as held at Karen's new house - or shall I say penthouse apartment! Feeling the need to get into the domesticated demeanour I baked red velvet cupcakes the night before! It was a lovely afternoon and the girls were so generous I was absolutely made up with all of the lovely gifts they had bought Freya. So, a big massive thank you to you girls - I came away from there feeling showered in love (and pink accessories!!)
Our Friend's Kelly and Shaun are also expecting a baby in September, just a week after Freya is due, they have a daughter already called Amelie who at the time was 10 months old. Kellie and Amelie came to my baby shower which was just brilliant - great to swap pregnancy experiences and fab to get some practice in with the coolest little baby going! Amelie's such a happy and beautiful little girl I just kept thinking wow - a few months from now I'll have a gorgeous little girl to call my own too!
Since the dynamics of my social life will change it was reassuring to have the girls under one roof and talking about what life will be like when Freya's here and the different types of activities we will do when we meet up - its just going to be the most fun, challenging and exciting time of my life and I will cherish every moment of it!
Before knowing that we are expecting a little girl I found it quite difficult to know what I should be shopping for, not that I disliked any of the neutral clothing but baby stuff in general just wasn't grasping my attention, if anything it added confusion because I would have the gender battle in my head whist looking at the items only to walk away empty handed and bursting with curiosity!
I guess for me it felt like trying to buy a gift for a person I'd never met before. I quite admire the people who like to wait for the surprise but for us it was just as delightful having the surprise part way through the pregnancy! If you haven't already read about when we found out our baby is a girl then maybe you'd like to read 'another peek into mummys tummy' in my archive.
So I skipped out of the hospital and on my way back to work I made a pit stop at Mothercare! Knowing we are having a girl makes me feel that bit closer to getting to know our new addition, I thought what better than buying a pair of pretty pink shoes to mark the moment - all girls love shoes and they symbolise her stepping into our lives, her shoes have been placed with mine and Grahams at the front door, just ready and waiting for her to join us.
On the last May bank holiday monday I was supposed to be working as it was the last day of the financial year - crunch time for ensuring targets had been met but I spoke to my manager on the Sunday and she said that everything seemed under control therefore I may as well have the Monday off. Well, that's fab, everyone likes an unexpected day off but I hadn't really planned to do anything - what better use of time than turning the music room into Freya's nursery!
Once we had relocated Grahams beloved computer and music equipment to the downstairs spare room we had a completely blank canvass to work with, a perfect sized room with a view over looking the park. Off to B&Q we went, as I stood by the colour swatches deliberating over whether to have two contrasting walls or a feature wall Graham came back with a trolley full of paint brushes, masking tape, floor coverings oh and paint! So Dulux Pretty Pink it is then! After quite a few hours of hard work (well, its not easy running up and down two flights of stairs to get water and snacks frequently) the nursery walls were painted and the furniture assembled - I love my Graham so much for all of his hard work and effort that day!
And since then the preparations have continued, all the finishing touches and practical purchases are being ticked off the list as the weeks go by.
One day was made particularly special when my wonderful friends threw us a baby shower - Sunday 20th June. Organised by Karen and Ellie it was the perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon, Ellie made up a lovely spread of nibbles and the event as held at Karen's new house - or shall I say penthouse apartment! Feeling the need to get into the domesticated demeanour I baked red velvet cupcakes the night before! It was a lovely afternoon and the girls were so generous I was absolutely made up with all of the lovely gifts they had bought Freya. So, a big massive thank you to you girls - I came away from there feeling showered in love (and pink accessories!!)
Our Friend's Kelly and Shaun are also expecting a baby in September, just a week after Freya is due, they have a daughter already called Amelie who at the time was 10 months old. Kellie and Amelie came to my baby shower which was just brilliant - great to swap pregnancy experiences and fab to get some practice in with the coolest little baby going! Amelie's such a happy and beautiful little girl I just kept thinking wow - a few months from now I'll have a gorgeous little girl to call my own too!
Since the dynamics of my social life will change it was reassuring to have the girls under one roof and talking about what life will be like when Freya's here and the different types of activities we will do when we meet up - its just going to be the most fun, challenging and exciting time of my life and I will cherish every moment of it!
Friday, 18 June 2010
Exhausted at 7am - Energy burst at 7pm!!
I always like to be quite positive and see the happy side of things and I'm not even sure about posting this as its not all smiles but it is the reality of being a little uncomfortable and my intentions are to document my pregnancy so here goes! This was written on Friday 18th June.
It wasn't a nice experience and everything is ok now but I was taken into hospital on Sunday 13th June with severe back and chest pains, they gave me pethadine to ease the pain - not too sure if I will choose that as a method of pain relief in labour since it took me until Wednesday to remember who I am but hey, it did the job and allowed them to run their tests.
Thankfully they ruled out their first diagnosis which was a broken blood vessel in my heart - thank mother nature for that! They gave me tablets to stop acid rising and sitting in my gullet and advised that Freya could have been sitting on a nerve which shocked my system (you're telling me!!) The hospital staff were brilliant and Graham remained so calm throughout, they were going to keep me over night but as the pain had subsided I just wanted to be at home with my Doctor G!
Test results showed that my blood pressure was high and protein was found in a urine sample, I didn't think anything of it at the time, well, I was in cookoo land after all! But when I went to the doctors the following Tuesday protein was still present, its now Friday and I am still waiting for more results as they have been sent to the lab for further examination. What do pee and protein have to do with it I hear you ask? Well, there's a condition called pre-eclampsia which I really hope I do not have but it has been suggested. So until I know for sure I am listening to every call of my body, eating healthily (although it hurts my tummy) and drinking plenty of fluids and resting. It would appear the latter is actually all I have been doing even if my head says otherwise!!
Hence the title! I really need to get a grip of this but I am absolutely exhausted at 7am when the alarm goes off, so much so that I don't even have the energy to get out of bed even if I need a pee I just (try to) roll over and fall back asleep! That's been the pattern this week. Honestly, if I had to evacuate my house in the morning I just couldn't do it! This of course has played havoc with all sense of routine, I just hope that it's a phase and next week will be better. It's getting my mood down but I am just so god damn tired!!!
So, 11am rolls round and I eventually awake, and its like damn, theres no way in the world I would do that normally but its just what's happened the last few days. I went into work on Wednesday afternoon, the kuffuffle of getting two busses and doing the walk in between has certainly given me the kick up the behind to get back on the road, by the time I got to work I was shattered - I had only been awake a couple of hours!!
And on Thursday same thing happened, 7am slum! I then got myself showered and ready to go into work albeit late, I thought oh I'll just have a little sit down, sat on the bed and fell asleep - so that was a right off! ARGGGGHHH!!!
By the time 7pm rolls round I have an energy burst and start to feel productive and less useless but that doesn't last long as I then feel pants for not being able to sleep at a normal bed time of say 10pm, instead I find myself tossing and turning until the small hours of the morning all in a state of pain because of my back... And the cycle turns again! Ohhhh please just be a phase!
It wasn't a nice experience and everything is ok now but I was taken into hospital on Sunday 13th June with severe back and chest pains, they gave me pethadine to ease the pain - not too sure if I will choose that as a method of pain relief in labour since it took me until Wednesday to remember who I am but hey, it did the job and allowed them to run their tests.
Thankfully they ruled out their first diagnosis which was a broken blood vessel in my heart - thank mother nature for that! They gave me tablets to stop acid rising and sitting in my gullet and advised that Freya could have been sitting on a nerve which shocked my system (you're telling me!!) The hospital staff were brilliant and Graham remained so calm throughout, they were going to keep me over night but as the pain had subsided I just wanted to be at home with my Doctor G!
Test results showed that my blood pressure was high and protein was found in a urine sample, I didn't think anything of it at the time, well, I was in cookoo land after all! But when I went to the doctors the following Tuesday protein was still present, its now Friday and I am still waiting for more results as they have been sent to the lab for further examination. What do pee and protein have to do with it I hear you ask? Well, there's a condition called pre-eclampsia which I really hope I do not have but it has been suggested. So until I know for sure I am listening to every call of my body, eating healthily (although it hurts my tummy) and drinking plenty of fluids and resting. It would appear the latter is actually all I have been doing even if my head says otherwise!!
Hence the title! I really need to get a grip of this but I am absolutely exhausted at 7am when the alarm goes off, so much so that I don't even have the energy to get out of bed even if I need a pee I just (try to) roll over and fall back asleep! That's been the pattern this week. Honestly, if I had to evacuate my house in the morning I just couldn't do it! This of course has played havoc with all sense of routine, I just hope that it's a phase and next week will be better. It's getting my mood down but I am just so god damn tired!!!
So, 11am rolls round and I eventually awake, and its like damn, theres no way in the world I would do that normally but its just what's happened the last few days. I went into work on Wednesday afternoon, the kuffuffle of getting two busses and doing the walk in between has certainly given me the kick up the behind to get back on the road, by the time I got to work I was shattered - I had only been awake a couple of hours!!
And on Thursday same thing happened, 7am slum! I then got myself showered and ready to go into work albeit late, I thought oh I'll just have a little sit down, sat on the bed and fell asleep - so that was a right off! ARGGGGHHH!!!
By the time 7pm rolls round I have an energy burst and start to feel productive and less useless but that doesn't last long as I then feel pants for not being able to sleep at a normal bed time of say 10pm, instead I find myself tossing and turning until the small hours of the morning all in a state of pain because of my back... And the cycle turns again! Ohhhh please just be a phase!
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Another little look into mummy's tummy!
Oh, I haven't written in a little while having had lots of things going on! That's not strictly true actually I have been writing all the happenings as they happen in my diary, jounal, notepad or emails but now I need to sum it all up and blog - I know, I'm missing the point of blogging, it should be snippets so here goes, lets talk about the wonderful use of sonography which allows a mother to take a peek at her baby!
The 20 week scan took place on the 28th April 2010, I actually had it done in my 19th week because Graham and I had a holiday booked to Egypt in my 20th week. I also went for this scan on my own as Graham was working in Ireland that day but I didn't mind being on my own, I even made a friend in the waiting room, his name was Gabriel and he was 2 years old with lots of lovely curly hair and a very cute personality! It seemed quite sureal being in a room full of pregnant ladies and partners, some of whom already had little feet present. I just wanted to talk to all of them, ask them how they are feeling, if its their first or just anything really since we all had the very same thing in common but typically British everyone just sat and waited or whispered to their partner once in a while. I was glad to have Gabriel to make funny faces at and listen to his baby talk!
Eventually after an hour and a half of waiting my name was finally called to go into that darkened room where I laid on the bed ready to see my little baby on the monitor again. Oh and what a unique moment it is when the warm jelly was put across my tummy then the sensor rolled over my tummy and the black and white smudgy images appear - the scan lady did a head to toe check and everything seems ok she said as she went down down her checklist, all is well and healthy all the same! Brilliant I thought! And... The sex, I was wondering, what are we having!! The lady said 'oh, your baby is in awkward place, we might not be able to say what sex you will be having'. Now, this worried me a bit as I had been trying to shop for baby things but didn't quite feel I could get anything until I knew what I was having so I panicked a little! I was advised to have a lttle walk then come back in half an hour.
So after a walk around the hospital - might I add, I should really pay more attention in unfamiliar places when I am unaccompanied as I had no idea which direction I was supossed to walk back in and had to ask someone for directions back to the ultrasound place! The scan lady had a better view when I (eventually) returned! The result is the opposite of what I thought but Yippee - we're having a little girl! My own little girl to bake cakes with and go for walks in the park and do finger painting with! We will call our little bundle of joy Freya and the meaning of her name is love and fertility.
She was being a cheeky little nipper too whilst being scanned (oh, like at a checkout counter... beep...) well, she wasn't beeping but she was opening her mouth and sticking her tongue out! She also did a lot of hand to face movements too - she couldn't play hide and seek from us though, I could see her perfectly, that beautiful little baby. Our daughter Freya xxx
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Wardrobe malfunction!!
That's OK but with what top? That fail safe dress - wont zip up! Trousers are okay... with the button undone! And everything else well its just too tight... Not really a statement I'm used to hearing myself say!
Welcome to week 17, that's the week after the week when the staple items in the wardrobe actually fitted! So today my carpet looks like it has a design of clothes scattered all over it, thats all over the bedroom floor, into the study (soon-to-be-nursery) downstairs to the lounge and move down another floor and theres a blouse practically hanging off the kitchen sink! I'm gaining pregnancy weight as I should be in fact I'm now 62kg as per the midwife's scales which measured me last Tuesday and I am feeling fine about it, the problem occurs when I look in my wardrobe and some of the clothes staring back at me look like they would fit a child!
So, note to self and other girls reading this, there is no need to keep anything which is a size 6 - its just not a good size for anyone over 5 foot! I don't actually want to step back into those jeans again and for the trousers that were hiding at the back of my wardrobe being a 8-10, they became useful again for quite a few weeks but it seems only up until this week like a full stop most of my clothes said no room at the seam very suddenly!
Que a neurotic 40 minute flap on a Tuesday morning while getting ready for work trying to remember if the team meeting was at 9:30 or 10:30 and hoping for the latter, in an almighty huff I was trying to pull together something to fit my bottom half, and at last I found it - the plain black trousers from H&M that I have had for years, they went over my hips no problem then just to do them up, ok Huston we have a problem - thank goodness for safety pins, that gave me an extra 2 inches I'd say and there we go, my bottom half was dressed!
Now of course, what top can I wear with a big sparkly safety pin bridging the gap between embarrassment and dignity? Well, a long one would be best, ok, I have lots of those, but its a summery day so I want something cool not knitted. Finally I find suitable combo of layering two tops to hide my mid section and I get myself into work, late though as it was 9:15 by the time I arrived and the meeting was cancelled anyway so by 10am my blood pressure had resumed to normal and I think if spoken to I would talk rather than growl!
Hang on, I didn't think about the twice-an-hour toilet trip I had to make during my working day what with all the faffing around with the safety pin... And then I said to myself, its time for maternity trousers, yes, elasticated waists and everything!
Welcome to week 17, that's the week after the week when the staple items in the wardrobe actually fitted! So today my carpet looks like it has a design of clothes scattered all over it, thats all over the bedroom floor, into the study (soon-to-be-nursery) downstairs to the lounge and move down another floor and theres a blouse practically hanging off the kitchen sink! I'm gaining pregnancy weight as I should be in fact I'm now 62kg as per the midwife's scales which measured me last Tuesday and I am feeling fine about it, the problem occurs when I look in my wardrobe and some of the clothes staring back at me look like they would fit a child!
So, note to self and other girls reading this, there is no need to keep anything which is a size 6 - its just not a good size for anyone over 5 foot! I don't actually want to step back into those jeans again and for the trousers that were hiding at the back of my wardrobe being a 8-10, they became useful again for quite a few weeks but it seems only up until this week like a full stop most of my clothes said no room at the seam very suddenly!
Que a neurotic 40 minute flap on a Tuesday morning while getting ready for work trying to remember if the team meeting was at 9:30 or 10:30 and hoping for the latter, in an almighty huff I was trying to pull together something to fit my bottom half, and at last I found it - the plain black trousers from H&M that I have had for years, they went over my hips no problem then just to do them up, ok Huston we have a problem - thank goodness for safety pins, that gave me an extra 2 inches I'd say and there we go, my bottom half was dressed!
Now of course, what top can I wear with a big sparkly safety pin bridging the gap between embarrassment and dignity? Well, a long one would be best, ok, I have lots of those, but its a summery day so I want something cool not knitted. Finally I find suitable combo of layering two tops to hide my mid section and I get myself into work, late though as it was 9:15 by the time I arrived and the meeting was cancelled anyway so by 10am my blood pressure had resumed to normal and I think if spoken to I would talk rather than growl!
Hang on, I didn't think about the twice-an-hour toilet trip I had to make during my working day what with all the faffing around with the safety pin... And then I said to myself, its time for maternity trousers, yes, elasticated waists and everything!
Monday, 5 April 2010
Thought provoking Portobello
I have just started reading a new book by one of my favourite authors Paulo Coelho its called The Witch of Portobello which just to paint the picture is a story told by people who knew a once religious now a mystical young woman and as the story unfolds the readers thoughts about love, joy, passion and sacrifice are provoked.
The main character Athena was adopted when she was a very young child from Romania, she was brought up with loving parents and she never wanted for anything. She was extremely religious and quite often had visions from the bible which concerned her parents.
By word from the Virgin Mary Athena believed she was destined to become a married mother and discontinue her studies for an engineering degree at a London university for this maternal energy was asking her to have a child so that she could give the child the kind of love and protection her own birth mother had failed to do. In parts the book references the miracle of creation and the strength of the loving bond that a mother feels for their child which got me thinking about my own mother-daughter relationship.
This kind of subject always bothers me since I was rejected by my mother after my parents divorced when I was 8 years old. For years up until I was 19 and before I had seen a very good councillor I had granted my mum forgiveness for the emotional and physical abuse she put upon me but now I know right from wrong and what my mum did to me is wrong and in my heart of hearts now that I know I don’t have to I will never give that woman the forgiveness for hurting me, mind you, I don’t even know if she craves the acceptance as it’s a subject never to be spoken about. Maybe that’s why I am so vocal about my experience now, no-one needs to suffer silently.
My councillors have heard me tell her of the numerous occasions where mum had bruised my young skin and brainwashed my mind into telling me its my dads fault she does it, and even after the time she put me into hospital after giving me such a beasting while blood poured from my nose and I ached all over from what felt like I was being punched for hours she was saying my dad wont even have me as she packed my bags, to send me where I had no idea!
I ran to my neighbours house who called the Police, while questions were being asked I was sat on her lap while she lied saying I did it to myself as I was being bullied in my new school which was bullshit. I told the truth about every moment of that terrible night when being video recorded by the social services, it’s a wonder how they let me as an 8 year old girl step foot back in that house but they did, as I was lead to believe I had no other place I guess I had to settle with that as my abode.
Because this was a taboo subject I have never asked her why she thought Dad didn’t want me and because of this when Dad asked me if I wanted to live with him I always said no because I didn’t want to be an inconvenience, I just found out when aged 22 my Dad fought his hardest to take me away from my mum but because at the time Dad only had a one bedroom flat I had to stay with my abusive evil mother in the 4 bedroom house which was once a family home. A cardboard box would have been sufficient to not have to relive all these memories.
But then in the back of my mind I thought the more time I spent in my mums house meant that maybe one day she would change and welcome me in with open arms but difficult as it was I told my mum when I was 14 that I was moving out to live with my Dad, my Dad who gets both a fathers day and a mothers day card for being the strength of two parents in one, he has never failed in giving his 3 children the love, safety and protection a child needs from their guardian. My mum has gone on to have another 3 children, I can only hope she does a better job this time round for their sakes and if not, I will be there ready to rescue them.
The feelings of joy I get when I see and hear happy children living their childhood makes me wonder how any external factor on this planet could ever make a woman cause her child such unnecessary pain, but now I just have to think at least I know I can live safe in the knowledge that my children will never fall short of feeling all the love that comes from my heart in a safe and stable family environment. For one reason or another my mother didn’t provide me with the unconditional love a parent should do as mentioned in the book but that just makes the love for my own grow stronger as I know how powerful love is and our child will always know that their home is the safest place with all the love they will ever wish for from Graham and I.
The main character Athena was adopted when she was a very young child from Romania, she was brought up with loving parents and she never wanted for anything. She was extremely religious and quite often had visions from the bible which concerned her parents.
By word from the Virgin Mary Athena believed she was destined to become a married mother and discontinue her studies for an engineering degree at a London university for this maternal energy was asking her to have a child so that she could give the child the kind of love and protection her own birth mother had failed to do. In parts the book references the miracle of creation and the strength of the loving bond that a mother feels for their child which got me thinking about my own mother-daughter relationship.
This kind of subject always bothers me since I was rejected by my mother after my parents divorced when I was 8 years old. For years up until I was 19 and before I had seen a very good councillor I had granted my mum forgiveness for the emotional and physical abuse she put upon me but now I know right from wrong and what my mum did to me is wrong and in my heart of hearts now that I know I don’t have to I will never give that woman the forgiveness for hurting me, mind you, I don’t even know if she craves the acceptance as it’s a subject never to be spoken about. Maybe that’s why I am so vocal about my experience now, no-one needs to suffer silently.
My councillors have heard me tell her of the numerous occasions where mum had bruised my young skin and brainwashed my mind into telling me its my dads fault she does it, and even after the time she put me into hospital after giving me such a beasting while blood poured from my nose and I ached all over from what felt like I was being punched for hours she was saying my dad wont even have me as she packed my bags, to send me where I had no idea!
I ran to my neighbours house who called the Police, while questions were being asked I was sat on her lap while she lied saying I did it to myself as I was being bullied in my new school which was bullshit. I told the truth about every moment of that terrible night when being video recorded by the social services, it’s a wonder how they let me as an 8 year old girl step foot back in that house but they did, as I was lead to believe I had no other place I guess I had to settle with that as my abode.
Because this was a taboo subject I have never asked her why she thought Dad didn’t want me and because of this when Dad asked me if I wanted to live with him I always said no because I didn’t want to be an inconvenience, I just found out when aged 22 my Dad fought his hardest to take me away from my mum but because at the time Dad only had a one bedroom flat I had to stay with my abusive evil mother in the 4 bedroom house which was once a family home. A cardboard box would have been sufficient to not have to relive all these memories.
But then in the back of my mind I thought the more time I spent in my mums house meant that maybe one day she would change and welcome me in with open arms but difficult as it was I told my mum when I was 14 that I was moving out to live with my Dad, my Dad who gets both a fathers day and a mothers day card for being the strength of two parents in one, he has never failed in giving his 3 children the love, safety and protection a child needs from their guardian. My mum has gone on to have another 3 children, I can only hope she does a better job this time round for their sakes and if not, I will be there ready to rescue them.
The feelings of joy I get when I see and hear happy children living their childhood makes me wonder how any external factor on this planet could ever make a woman cause her child such unnecessary pain, but now I just have to think at least I know I can live safe in the knowledge that my children will never fall short of feeling all the love that comes from my heart in a safe and stable family environment. For one reason or another my mother didn’t provide me with the unconditional love a parent should do as mentioned in the book but that just makes the love for my own grow stronger as I know how powerful love is and our child will always know that their home is the safest place with all the love they will ever wish for from Graham and I.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Peek-a-Boo 2nd trimester
Oh what a moment to capture, I have to write about it now as it just happened but it isn't what I had planned!
I'd just come down stairs from having a load of bubbly - the bath variety of course - picked up the Mac to write the next part of my blog whilst feeling inspired when Graham said he'd turn the light down, I said "not to worry I'll do it" we both ended up jumping up to switch the light off just as Alicia Keyes began to sing a beautiful melody - and in that moment we found ourselves dancing in the darkness of our living room to the sweet sound of Alicia performing a live show, it's moments like that which make me feel so full of love : )
So, as I was going to say, this evening was the first time I have had a bath since being pregnant, tonight I put on Eva Cassidy, lit my mango scented candle which was a lovely birthday present and then I slipped into a strawberry sundae - well, thats what the bubble bath packaging calls it - delicious if only I could eat the bubbles!
And in that half... ok hour... to myself I realised as I felt my changing tummy that this is one BIG journey my body is going on as it creates another human being (not human bean as I thought when I was a kid... like a butter bean or a kidney bean, I thought you also got human beans!)
It's utterly amazing to think the little heart that beats inside me is going to keep ticking for many many years to come. The human body is truly amazing to coordinate such an astonishing creation process - it interests me to think how much my body will change sure as the seasons do over the next 6 months!
And now I have taken the time to examine how my form will change to create another I can digest the weight gain issue with a teaspoon of sugar as its a necessary non evil! Yes, I bought a pair of jeans in a size I wouldn't normally wear but hey guess what - I'm not normal at the best of times so why change things now!! So no more weight worries.... I'm not fat! I'm creating another human BEAN!!
So really I wanted to reminisce over the first trimester as of the 21st March I am 13 weeks and 6 days pregnant! (that 182 days to go!!)
First things first, I no longer feel nauseous all of the time, the morning-afternoon-evening-night time- sickness seemed to go off like a light switch, I am actually counting that the last time I made an impromptu visit to worship the porcelain god was 3 mondays ago. I remember this vividly as my Director was headed towards the ladies as I was leaving muttering 'lunch not good' embarrassment score = 10/10. Thankfully I work in a very baby aware department, in fact, its pretty much populated by mummys - There are currently 4 people off on maternity leave and collectively in a department of 36 there are 41 children... I was told about 'the chair'!
Ohhhh, my Dads reaction I haven't documented enough of.... Oh my flippin jeepers is he excited or what?! Little tiny toes and everything he says! I just love that this little bambino will be brought into the world with an unimaginable amount of love from family and friends ( I hope baby T feels all warm and fuzzy inside when I do!)
I have also bought Baby T's first cuddly toy, its a white sheep and its sooo soft I might have a bit of a hard job parting with it to give to the little one! I also have an overwhelming feeling we are having a boy but will have to wait until May 6th to find out!!
So now to look forward to the second trimester, apparently the most enjoyable of the three, thats good because I have a kayaking holiday booked for next weekend. Ok so I might not be able to go in the white waters but lets see if I can have a little paddle! If not, I shall just paint the scenery!
Till next time ta da xx
I'd just come down stairs from having a load of bubbly - the bath variety of course - picked up the Mac to write the next part of my blog whilst feeling inspired when Graham said he'd turn the light down, I said "not to worry I'll do it" we both ended up jumping up to switch the light off just as Alicia Keyes began to sing a beautiful melody - and in that moment we found ourselves dancing in the darkness of our living room to the sweet sound of Alicia performing a live show, it's moments like that which make me feel so full of love : )
So, as I was going to say, this evening was the first time I have had a bath since being pregnant, tonight I put on Eva Cassidy, lit my mango scented candle which was a lovely birthday present and then I slipped into a strawberry sundae - well, thats what the bubble bath packaging calls it - delicious if only I could eat the bubbles!
And in that half... ok hour... to myself I realised as I felt my changing tummy that this is one BIG journey my body is going on as it creates another human being (not human bean as I thought when I was a kid... like a butter bean or a kidney bean, I thought you also got human beans!)
It's utterly amazing to think the little heart that beats inside me is going to keep ticking for many many years to come. The human body is truly amazing to coordinate such an astonishing creation process - it interests me to think how much my body will change sure as the seasons do over the next 6 months!
And now I have taken the time to examine how my form will change to create another I can digest the weight gain issue with a teaspoon of sugar as its a necessary non evil! Yes, I bought a pair of jeans in a size I wouldn't normally wear but hey guess what - I'm not normal at the best of times so why change things now!! So no more weight worries.... I'm not fat! I'm creating another human BEAN!!
So really I wanted to reminisce over the first trimester as of the 21st March I am 13 weeks and 6 days pregnant! (that 182 days to go!!)
First things first, I no longer feel nauseous all of the time, the morning-afternoon-evening-night time- sickness seemed to go off like a light switch, I am actually counting that the last time I made an impromptu visit to worship the porcelain god was 3 mondays ago. I remember this vividly as my Director was headed towards the ladies as I was leaving muttering 'lunch not good' embarrassment score = 10/10. Thankfully I work in a very baby aware department, in fact, its pretty much populated by mummys - There are currently 4 people off on maternity leave and collectively in a department of 36 there are 41 children... I was told about 'the chair'!
Ohhhh, my Dads reaction I haven't documented enough of.... Oh my flippin jeepers is he excited or what?! Little tiny toes and everything he says! I just love that this little bambino will be brought into the world with an unimaginable amount of love from family and friends ( I hope baby T feels all warm and fuzzy inside when I do!)
I have also bought Baby T's first cuddly toy, its a white sheep and its sooo soft I might have a bit of a hard job parting with it to give to the little one! I also have an overwhelming feeling we are having a boy but will have to wait until May 6th to find out!!
So now to look forward to the second trimester, apparently the most enjoyable of the three, thats good because I have a kayaking holiday booked for next weekend. Ok so I might not be able to go in the white waters but lets see if I can have a little paddle! If not, I shall just paint the scenery!
Till next time ta da xx
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