That's OK but with what top? That fail safe dress - wont zip up! Trousers are okay... with the button undone! And everything else well its just too tight... Not really a statement I'm used to hearing myself say!
Welcome to week 17, that's the week after the week when the staple items in the wardrobe actually fitted! So today my carpet looks like it has a design of clothes scattered all over it, thats all over the bedroom floor, into the study (soon-to-be-nursery) downstairs to the lounge and move down another floor and theres a blouse practically hanging off the kitchen sink! I'm gaining pregnancy weight as I should be in fact I'm now 62kg as per the midwife's scales which measured me last Tuesday and I am feeling fine about it, the problem occurs when I look in my wardrobe and some of the clothes staring back at me look like they would fit a child!
So, note to self and other girls reading this, there is no need to keep anything which is a size 6 - its just not a good size for anyone over 5 foot! I don't actually want to step back into those jeans again and for the trousers that were hiding at the back of my wardrobe being a 8-10, they became useful again for quite a few weeks but it seems only up until this week like a full stop most of my clothes said no room at the seam very suddenly!
Que a neurotic 40 minute flap on a Tuesday morning while getting ready for work trying to remember if the team meeting was at 9:30 or 10:30 and hoping for the latter, in an almighty huff I was trying to pull together something to fit my bottom half, and at last I found it - the plain black trousers from H&M that I have had for years, they went over my hips no problem then just to do them up, ok Huston we have a problem - thank goodness for safety pins, that gave me an extra 2 inches I'd say and there we go, my bottom half was dressed!
Now of course, what top can I wear with a big sparkly safety pin bridging the gap between embarrassment and dignity? Well, a long one would be best, ok, I have lots of those, but its a summery day so I want something cool not knitted. Finally I find suitable combo of layering two tops to hide my mid section and I get myself into work, late though as it was 9:15 by the time I arrived and the meeting was cancelled anyway so by 10am my blood pressure had resumed to normal and I think if spoken to I would talk rather than growl!
Hang on, I didn't think about the twice-an-hour toilet trip I had to make during my working day what with all the faffing around with the safety pin... And then I said to myself, its time for maternity trousers, yes, elasticated waists and everything!
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Monday 5 April 2010
Thought provoking Portobello
I have just started reading a new book by one of my favourite authors Paulo Coelho its called The Witch of Portobello which just to paint the picture is a story told by people who knew a once religious now a mystical young woman and as the story unfolds the readers thoughts about love, joy, passion and sacrifice are provoked.
The main character Athena was adopted when she was a very young child from Romania, she was brought up with loving parents and she never wanted for anything. She was extremely religious and quite often had visions from the bible which concerned her parents.
By word from the Virgin Mary Athena believed she was destined to become a married mother and discontinue her studies for an engineering degree at a London university for this maternal energy was asking her to have a child so that she could give the child the kind of love and protection her own birth mother had failed to do. In parts the book references the miracle of creation and the strength of the loving bond that a mother feels for their child which got me thinking about my own mother-daughter relationship.
This kind of subject always bothers me since I was rejected by my mother after my parents divorced when I was 8 years old. For years up until I was 19 and before I had seen a very good councillor I had granted my mum forgiveness for the emotional and physical abuse she put upon me but now I know right from wrong and what my mum did to me is wrong and in my heart of hearts now that I know I don’t have to I will never give that woman the forgiveness for hurting me, mind you, I don’t even know if she craves the acceptance as it’s a subject never to be spoken about. Maybe that’s why I am so vocal about my experience now, no-one needs to suffer silently.
My councillors have heard me tell her of the numerous occasions where mum had bruised my young skin and brainwashed my mind into telling me its my dads fault she does it, and even after the time she put me into hospital after giving me such a beasting while blood poured from my nose and I ached all over from what felt like I was being punched for hours she was saying my dad wont even have me as she packed my bags, to send me where I had no idea!
I ran to my neighbours house who called the Police, while questions were being asked I was sat on her lap while she lied saying I did it to myself as I was being bullied in my new school which was bullshit. I told the truth about every moment of that terrible night when being video recorded by the social services, it’s a wonder how they let me as an 8 year old girl step foot back in that house but they did, as I was lead to believe I had no other place I guess I had to settle with that as my abode.
Because this was a taboo subject I have never asked her why she thought Dad didn’t want me and because of this when Dad asked me if I wanted to live with him I always said no because I didn’t want to be an inconvenience, I just found out when aged 22 my Dad fought his hardest to take me away from my mum but because at the time Dad only had a one bedroom flat I had to stay with my abusive evil mother in the 4 bedroom house which was once a family home. A cardboard box would have been sufficient to not have to relive all these memories.
But then in the back of my mind I thought the more time I spent in my mums house meant that maybe one day she would change and welcome me in with open arms but difficult as it was I told my mum when I was 14 that I was moving out to live with my Dad, my Dad who gets both a fathers day and a mothers day card for being the strength of two parents in one, he has never failed in giving his 3 children the love, safety and protection a child needs from their guardian. My mum has gone on to have another 3 children, I can only hope she does a better job this time round for their sakes and if not, I will be there ready to rescue them.
The feelings of joy I get when I see and hear happy children living their childhood makes me wonder how any external factor on this planet could ever make a woman cause her child such unnecessary pain, but now I just have to think at least I know I can live safe in the knowledge that my children will never fall short of feeling all the love that comes from my heart in a safe and stable family environment. For one reason or another my mother didn’t provide me with the unconditional love a parent should do as mentioned in the book but that just makes the love for my own grow stronger as I know how powerful love is and our child will always know that their home is the safest place with all the love they will ever wish for from Graham and I.
The main character Athena was adopted when she was a very young child from Romania, she was brought up with loving parents and she never wanted for anything. She was extremely religious and quite often had visions from the bible which concerned her parents.
By word from the Virgin Mary Athena believed she was destined to become a married mother and discontinue her studies for an engineering degree at a London university for this maternal energy was asking her to have a child so that she could give the child the kind of love and protection her own birth mother had failed to do. In parts the book references the miracle of creation and the strength of the loving bond that a mother feels for their child which got me thinking about my own mother-daughter relationship.
This kind of subject always bothers me since I was rejected by my mother after my parents divorced when I was 8 years old. For years up until I was 19 and before I had seen a very good councillor I had granted my mum forgiveness for the emotional and physical abuse she put upon me but now I know right from wrong and what my mum did to me is wrong and in my heart of hearts now that I know I don’t have to I will never give that woman the forgiveness for hurting me, mind you, I don’t even know if she craves the acceptance as it’s a subject never to be spoken about. Maybe that’s why I am so vocal about my experience now, no-one needs to suffer silently.
My councillors have heard me tell her of the numerous occasions where mum had bruised my young skin and brainwashed my mind into telling me its my dads fault she does it, and even after the time she put me into hospital after giving me such a beasting while blood poured from my nose and I ached all over from what felt like I was being punched for hours she was saying my dad wont even have me as she packed my bags, to send me where I had no idea!
I ran to my neighbours house who called the Police, while questions were being asked I was sat on her lap while she lied saying I did it to myself as I was being bullied in my new school which was bullshit. I told the truth about every moment of that terrible night when being video recorded by the social services, it’s a wonder how they let me as an 8 year old girl step foot back in that house but they did, as I was lead to believe I had no other place I guess I had to settle with that as my abode.
Because this was a taboo subject I have never asked her why she thought Dad didn’t want me and because of this when Dad asked me if I wanted to live with him I always said no because I didn’t want to be an inconvenience, I just found out when aged 22 my Dad fought his hardest to take me away from my mum but because at the time Dad only had a one bedroom flat I had to stay with my abusive evil mother in the 4 bedroom house which was once a family home. A cardboard box would have been sufficient to not have to relive all these memories.
But then in the back of my mind I thought the more time I spent in my mums house meant that maybe one day she would change and welcome me in with open arms but difficult as it was I told my mum when I was 14 that I was moving out to live with my Dad, my Dad who gets both a fathers day and a mothers day card for being the strength of two parents in one, he has never failed in giving his 3 children the love, safety and protection a child needs from their guardian. My mum has gone on to have another 3 children, I can only hope she does a better job this time round for their sakes and if not, I will be there ready to rescue them.
The feelings of joy I get when I see and hear happy children living their childhood makes me wonder how any external factor on this planet could ever make a woman cause her child such unnecessary pain, but now I just have to think at least I know I can live safe in the knowledge that my children will never fall short of feeling all the love that comes from my heart in a safe and stable family environment. For one reason or another my mother didn’t provide me with the unconditional love a parent should do as mentioned in the book but that just makes the love for my own grow stronger as I know how powerful love is and our child will always know that their home is the safest place with all the love they will ever wish for from Graham and I.
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