Hello lovely readers,
Once again it has been quite some time that I have had a chance to write, it's been busy times with the usual plate spinning : ) But I have recently been forced to rest due to my back playing up (to put it lightly). If I can't be up and about doing things I can at least put my feet up and do something to occupy my time.
As a bit of insight I thought I'd share how my brain works, its busy and I dont rest easily, I have quite a visual mind and often see myself quite literally juggling the main components of my life - motherhood, relationship, extended family, work, health, home, social life (tres scaled down!) and finances. I used to see each area of life as a bucket and my aim was to ensure that everything was evenly filled - I'd make sure that I was balancing everything correctly, I could see which area's required more attention and I'd be able to see the areas which were doing just fine.
Anyway, a little while back my thought processes became a lot less than orangised and it became more like a circus in my mind, gladly it's not so much like that now. I was striving for perfection in everything but its just not possible I now realise. Maybe now that I’m thinking more rationally I can see that I didn't really HAVE to do half the things I thought I had to - cleaning the front door and path at 10pm on a Monday after coming home from work, cooking dinner (twice), cleaning, bathing and putting Freya to bed is probably one of those things I didn't really have to do! The score goes - Anxiety 0 - 1 Amy, thankfully its in much better check now and I'm being just as productive yet much calmer, I am still trying out this pretty new thing to me though, it’s called - TAKING IT EASY!!!
It's actually not the easiest thing to do but I have little choice at the moment because my back pain made a devilish return a few months ago. I am actually pretty fed up of talking about it and feeling it but its so flippin' consuming there’s not much room for anything else to think about!
I have scoliosis which means I have a curved spine and its compressing my nerves, pretty horrid really but I had the great news today that I will be receiving facet joint injections again on 13th September at 5:30pm to be precise - and yes, I am counting down the days as that means 12 months living pain free!
It's been a hard 6 month since the pain returned, I don't want Freya to miss out on things because of my problem or for my work to be affected so I have been carrying on as normal but today I reached a bit of a melting point where I've admitted defeat and will rest until I'm fixed. It's ever so frustrating because I want to be the best mum to Freya, I enjoy my job and want to be there for my team and but sitting, standing and walking are all incredibly difficult at the moment.
Getting my back fixed so I can live the life that my mind wants to means I'll close the circus and re-fill the buckets - that’s my aim, I might have to give the skydive a miss in this life time but I'm a Piscean, a dreamer – and I can see a healthy happy person at the end of this! In darker times I see myself in a wheelchair which isn't great, neither is the numbness in my legs but I am doing all I can to remain positive.
I have to say a special thanks to Graham who has been really supportive this weekend by enabling me to rest, looking after Freya and doing little things to brighten the days up, its all really appreciated as I know what a grumpy so-and-so I can be when I'm unwell. Queue feelings of guilt.
On a side note, I think having a little artistic outburst and a chat with my friend Sara at her art workshop (Reclamation) for an hour yesterday helped, it really lifted my spirits and reminded me to keep in touch with my creative side; I loved using crayons to express my take on life as a mum!
So until 13th Sept its rest, rest and more rest. With research on the Alexander technique to improve my posture and booking Pilates classes too. Until next time, that’s bye for now! Ax
