Wednesday, 26 September 2012

September Struggles

Hello Readers,

What an evening I've had tonight (or maybe couple of weeks I should say but I'll start with tonight...)

I'm feeling nicely relaxed now that I am here listing to Classic FM after eating a yummy wintery dinner but earlier on was quite a different story - usually I love the bath, story and bedtime routine with Freya, she plays with the bubbles and we practice the alphabet using bath crayons - she can now repeat the alphabet after hearing and seeing the letters and this morning at breakfast she even drew an A - she's such a little joy to be around however this evening I think she was swapped for the devil and I would quite like it if my little darling could be returned!

At first all she wanted was a bath so we ran it but when it came to going to she refused then the tears and then a full on tantrum proceeded, we couldn’t get her in so it was a two person job to hold the slippery toddler and wash her as best we could before battling to put on her PJ's, even soothing words and suggesting we read Beatrix Potter once she was dressed wasn't enough, our words fell of deaf ears and she continued in her ways.

I began to worry that she isn't happy with the recent change of routine, I had 3 weeks off work when my back was bad before my op (which went well I'm glad to say, I still have back pain if I sit for too long but it has made a drastic difference to everyday life just being mobile and not having to rest as much, I can walk with my posture being straight and am not taking painkillers any more hooray!!... I digress... So, I had spent a lot of time at home with Freya then on the Monday that I returned to work Freya started with her new child minder who I am really pleased is looking after Freya as she lives locally, looks after another girl who lives a couple of doors away and she's certified in baby signing - lots of bonuses!

Changing childcare has made a massive difference to our daily routine as we only have to walk for a few minutes to drop Freya off then I drive straight to work and I'm not doing a long commute in stop start traffic for an hour each way every work day like before, so that's it from my perspective but I worried after Freya's recent bedtime behavior that she was playing up because she's not happy which I know isn't true and I was reminded of that when I read her daily report - "Today we baked cakes, Freya helped to mix her cake, tipped it into the case and ice it, we also enjoyed dancing, lots of movement, jumping on the spot and sitting and standing to Simon Says. Freya actively looked for another child’s hand to hold while dancing then everyone wanted her".

It melted my heart to read her report, one part of me was upset that the child minder got to see and do all of the lovely things with Freya while I was sat in an office but the stronger part of me was glad to know she is happy and settled and perhaps the recent bedtime antics are simply the Terrible Two's surfacing, after all she has just turned two this month. (Another blog entry will follow with birthday celebration updates).

I just reassured myself by saying that I have to work, there is no choice in the matter, I enjoy my job and have to make the most of the quality time together we share which we do. When we arrive home 5:30pm - 18:30pm is play time Monday - Thursday, Thursday mornings I take her to Tiny Talk class before I go to work and then we have all day Friday as Mummy and Freya time before the weekend of full 3 T's family time - there is a good balance there when I see it in writing but an evening like tonight blurred my perspective and made me wonder if I am doing the right thing. I’m certainly not the only parent with this on-going battle in the brain.

I guess I'm just struggling a bit with a health trouble which is not allowing me to see all the good things, it’s that horrible thing which I call the Dreaded D (depression), for years it has sneaked up on me and swallows me whole for a few weeks or even months at a time and although I do try to do the right things to manage it it is still there, always at this time of year plus a few episodes throughout the year too - maybe with the highs have to come lows but this is debilitating at times and something not many people understand, I wouldn't normally talk about it so openly but I think that for anyone who is feeling that way the best thing to do is talk as there is always someone who can listen and help. I will sadly be saying a final farewell to a friend on Friday who didn't feel she had the option to talk or the will to cope.

As I keep saying, tomorrow will be a brighter day and hopefully it will, just got to keep making plans of things to look forward to and remember that I can't plough a field by turning it over in my mind.

I think that calls for bed time,

night night x

1 comment:

  1. What a rubbish evening you had. It has NOTHING to do with you. Freya LOVES you. She's just being your bog standard toddler.

    Depression really does sneak up on you. This time of year can also make people feel low. A friend of mine has Seasonal Affected Disorder and swears by a lamp that mimics the sun to wake her in in the cold winter months.

    Thinking of you tomorrow. xx